Sunday, February 1, 2015

AJ Preller Calls Ruben Amaro


"Hey Ruben, Its AJ"

"Oh hey AJ. How's things going out there in San Diego?"

"Good, good. Thanks for asking. Found a lot of teams looking to make moves. Real happy to find some teams who still value prospects. I brought in 3 Major League outfielders and didn't have to give up all that much to get them. Some prospects here and there, but the system's by no means empty."

"That must be nice" Said Ruben "We've been trying to find a way to restock our system. Its been tough though."

"Well Ruben, that's kinda why I called. I was hoping that maybe we could make a deal that will help both of us out-"

"Great!" Ruben cut in "We've got all sorts of valuable pieces to move. Lot of guys who could really help any team. What's your fancy?"

"I really only had my eyes on one guy right now."

"Stop right there AJ. You don't need to say anymore. I've been taking calls all week on Ryan Howard. Well, let me tell you, I'm not just going to be giving away my best players. Ryan's a former MVP. We're talking top prospects here."

"No, no Ruben" AJ tried to stop him "I was thinking more along the the lines of-"

"Utley? You want Chase huh? Then you better come big AJ. He's my 5 time All Star. Chase is a franchise corner stone."

"Yeah, no Rube. What about-"

"Dominic Brown! You want DOMINIC BROWN!!! No sale sir. He is NOT available. Dominic Brown will be the player that leads the Phillies back to the promised land"

"Whoa Ruben. I'm set on outfielders"

"Oh you sly dog... I see what you're up to now. You want my former Cy Young winner, Cliff Lee. Pretty crafty. He's coming off a down year, but I think he's got at least 2 more Cy Youngs left in that left arm. AT LEAST 2."

"You're right about that Ruben. Cliff Lee is one hell of a pitcher, but I'm actually calling about Cole Hamels"


AJ went on "I keep hearing that he might be available and I thought I would just check in. I mean he's from the area down here and we can always use more pitching. So what kind of return are you looking for?"


"Ruben? Hello? Are you still there?"

"How dare you Preller."

"I'm sorry?"

"You know how how important Hamels is to me. He's the best player on this team and he's my wife's favorite player."

"Ruben, I wasn't trying to offend you or anything. I was just calling to see about his availability. If he's not available we can end this conversation right here"

"No. Wait" Ruben sighed "I'm sorry AJ. I'm just under a lot of pressure."

"So... Is Hamels available?"

" I'll tell you what AJ, make a list of your top 5 prospects. Then I want you to take that list and double it."

"Double it? What does that even mean?"

"It means Preller, that I'm down with your pretty boy antics. You young, hot-shot GM's are all the same. You try to swoop in here and make a name off of my players. Well, I'm not here so you can ride me like a ten cent pony and go back and laugh about it with your friends."

"Look, Ruben. You got it all wrong-"

"NO! You look Preller. The offer's changed. Now take that list of top 5 prospects, triple it and then shove it straight up your ass. And once you have reverse digested that list and it comes back out your mouth you call me and tell me how it tastes. You tell me how it tastes when some tries to screw you so hard that it makes you vomit out your very heart and soul. Then, maybe you'll finally understand my position. Until then we have nothing to talk about."

"Ruben, I-"



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