Friday, December 26, 2014

MLB HotStove Conspiracies!!!

Because sometimes the absence of evidence is all the proof we need.

I learned a few things this morning. One is that the good folks over at the MLBNetwork would rather spend the day after Christmas with their families than breaking down the chances for the repeat success of the Kansas City Royals' bullpen. I also learned that there is a channel on the cable TV called the History Channel 2. And on this History Channel 2 "history" is interpreted very liberally, which I suppose is their right given they have a platform and this is America damnit.

Well, given that I now have a platform, I will be interpreting a few MLB stories through a very similar lens as this History Channel 2.

Yankees Keep ARod on Roster 

This one is considered a bit of a head-scratcher until you consider everything that we know and everything that we don't. We know that ARod is is owed $60mil over the next 3 years and that he is 39 years old. We also know that ARod is the most rested player in baseball right now since he was suspended for the entire 2014 season. He also figures to get plenty of rest throughout the 2015 season and beyond since Brian Cashman has gone out of his way to leave him with no position to play. So why keep ARod?

ARod knows something that Cashman and the Yankees doesn't want us to know. Could is have to do with the real succession plan that George Steinbrenner left behind? Is it possible that Derek Jeter was in fact the true heir to the Yankee organization and that only Cashman, Hank, and ARod know the truth? No one has denied this. Jeter to his credit has kept quiet on this controversy as his first post-playing career endeavor has brought him into the world of online sports journalism (where him and I now have equal footing). I also notice that he has not given ARod a voice with the Player's Tribune while propping up Tiger Woods (The only possible rival to ARod's universal sporting villainry). What plan is in place and how will this thing go down? The possibility of $60mil would keep me pretty quite, I know that. Will it be enough to keep ARod quiet?

Billy Beane is a Member of the Illuminati

Think about this for a second. Billy Beane has an unprecedented run of regular season success with a Major League Baseball team that plays in a stadium that would not suit a minor league team. The Oakland market just sad. Yet Beane tears down and rebuilds teams with players that no one else really wants and constantly stays ahead of whatever trend is coming down the pipe next.

They also made a movie about a non-fiction book of which Beane was the subject. And who played him in this movie? Brad "Frickin" Pitt of course. If you asked every white man in America who they wanted to play them in a movie about their life, Brad Pitt is the answer for like 75% of them. The other 25% would say Clooney or Affleck, but lets face it, Brad Pitt is just more likable.

Yet for all this success, Beane's A's teams cannot get it done in the playoffs. Why? Well it would be too obvious now wouldn't? If the "Brad Pitt" from Oakland was winning World Series in a stadium held together by duct tape don't you think we would all start to wonder what is up? Athletics post-season struggles are just enough to keep us distracted from what is really going on down there, probably underneath the Coliseum. And what exactly is that you may ask? Plans for world domination, obviously,

Mike Trout is From Another Planet

A player who just finished his 22 year old season with a career OPS+ of 166? Right, Mike Trout is a normal human being who just happened to be born in some place called New Jersey. I looked at New Jersey once from across a bridge in Philadelphia and let me tell you, Mike Trout is not from New Jersey.

Superman had the good sense to take a career in journalism where no one would notice his erratic behavior and reluctance to cover the biggest stories in Metropolis (you know, that one about a flying crime fighter with a cape). Mike Trout however, did not possess that good sense. He chose a career as a pro athlete and blew his cover in the process.

No one can answer why Mike Trout is the best "human" we will ever see play baseball. They will say that he works hard or that he has impeccable hand-eye coordination. But the truth may be far stranger than that. New Jersey makes sense as a possible landing spot for his baby incubating space pod. Its close to New York City, where lots of aliens already live. No one would ever suspect New Jersey to produce anything that wasn't music or hair grease related.

I'm on to you Trout. I don't care if you are fooling everyone else. I know the truth.

So there you go. No one has offered any proof as to how these theories aren't true. Which makes them as true as anything else. Now I just need to find the number for Time Warner so that I can go ahead and cancel the cable.

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